Is it necessary to be honest with the children to the end and tell the truth: you parted with their father because he cheated? About what the consequences of such frankness are thought by the coach Chris Armstrong and psychoanalyst Tatyana Mizinova.
“Think about the conversation and its consequences”
Chris Armstrong, Coach
To the question “where is dad?”, Which the children asked in the evenings, Anna replied that he helps friends, and Maria’s husband endlessly” went on business trips “. In the end, both women divorced, and the children took it as a blow to which they were not ready.
Is it necessary to tell the child about what has become the true cause of the divorce? This question cannot be unified for all an answer. If you still decide to be honest with children, these are a few points that are important to take into account.
1. Think about how the conversation will end. There is a close relationship between the father and the child, and you want it to be preserved? You must understand that recognition risks it to destroy. It can be difficult for you to resist the desire to share with someone the pain that the husband caused. However, if you decide not to devote the child to the details of your conflict, then thus protecting his relationship with the father. Decide what is more important to you.
2. Give your husband the right to talk to the children. Upon learning of what was the cause of parental parting, the child receives a painful blow, and the first reaction may be aggression against the “offender”. Be prepared for the fact that you will find this person – because you reported the news. If the child is adult enough and began to ask questions himself, and you really want him to know the truth, invite him to address them to his father. Let him find in himself the courage to answer and accept a blow to himself. You can support the child after this conversation.
Children are almost always looking for the reason for the divorce in themselves, believe that it was because of them that dad did not want to stay in the
family
3. Assess the child’s ability to understand you. Children do not understand what infidelity is. Until 12 years old, they are hardly able to realize what happened between mom and dad, and even after this age there are many questions. The main one – what is their fault. Children are almost always looking for the reason for the divorce in themselves. New information can aggravate the feeling that it was because of them that dad did not want to stay in the family.
Anna decided to tell the children that her father had fallen in love with another woman, and in the end the children kept a good relationship with him. The fact of a long deception mother chose not to discuss. Maria wanted to keep everything secret, but the 14-year-old daughter found her father, kissing another. More than three years have passed since the divorce, but the girl still refuses to communicate with her father. It is convenient for him to think that the ex -wife specifically tunes the girl against him. Well, some of us, even becoming our parents, refuse to grow up and be responsible for our actions.
“Talking about treason is like inviting to the parent bedroom”
Tatyana Mizinova, psychoanalyst
Before you tell the children that their father has changed you, they should have formed an idea of sexual life in general and sexual intercourse in particular. For example children, for example, it does not have it, so a child under 10 years of age should not be devoted to the details of your conflict.
The older the child, the more adequate he will perceive the information (unless, of course, to avoid the story, for example, when he guesses and insists on the truth). If, before your husband, the child witnessed constant scandals, the inability to live peacefully may well act as the leitmotif of the explanation.